A list of peeves (I haven’t gone off in a while. Buckle up.)

1. Driving 70+ in the far-right lane. Fast lane is on the left. Hold your arms out, hands bent back, with palms facing away from you (like you’re leaning against a wall being arrested). With fingers straight up, point your thumbs at each other. You’ll notice that your left hand forms an “L” with the index finger/thumb arrangement. That’s your left. That’s the lane you go fast in.

2. Driving <65 in the left lane. Even more annoying than the speeder in the right. I’m going to get a megaphone/speaker system in my hamster-driven Scion that will announce your ineptitude of driving. If you’re being tailgated by a Scion, pull the F#$% over.

3. Smart cars. They DO NOT belong on a freeway. Sure, crash “tests” may prove safe due to the data collected by the test dummy, but he’s in better shape than you. 300 pounds of fat collapsing on itself will kill you.

4. People who think the “Soup Nazi” from Seinfeld is a funny exaggeration of a quirky guy. It’s not. People are busy. Food joints make money on volume. So don’t chit-chat in a mile-long line then finally get asked what you want and then read the menu. Don’t change your order five times, deciding if you want turkey or go vegan for the day. You’re going out to lunch, so obviously you’re there for food; it’s not like it was a surprise survey outside a grocery store. Order, pay, and most importantly- MOVE. Go to the end of the line where the food is going to be. And keep your personal bubble. Don’t touch the person in front of you or behind you. Some people are aware of the “Soup Nazi” system and are so afraid of messing it up that someone entering their own little bubble might just send them over the edge.

5. Internet trolls posing as bastions of truth and unbiased opinion. Bonus points for those idiots who spout off an ignorant and profanity-laced tirade that covers none of the points of contention, and conclude their “opinion” with the infamous Internet phrase: “Your a idiot.” I would accept “ur an idiot,” even with the shorthand. But to completely mess up a simple 3-word sentence, you’ve completely invalidated your argument. Not that you really had one, because your seeing-red fingers just typed some nonsensical, all-caps-laden, punctuation-deficient post on how Apple products are far superior to Microsoft’s, even though the mountain of data against your position is verified and accepted by other Apple owners, effectively defeating your opinion.

6. XBox Live players who think they are completely anonymous and forget they’re playing a game. And not realizing they suck at the game. When little Johnny’s world comes crashing down when he realizes just because he beats the game on co-op with his friend, he can’t actually keep up with the Live group. And then he ends up being a vocal version of #5, instantly becoming the funniest thing, and sadly the saddest, when his alto voice is screaming how everyone targets him, everyone is cheaters, all the while inserting words that no 10 year old should (way to go, parents). Kid, maybe you just suck at the game.